Connection

The past few days have been pretty powerful.  Interwoven among the events of the days has been the theme of connectedness, connection and interconnectedness.

I could explain how it all unfolded for me, or I could focus on the take-aways.

Here's what I'm thinking now:

• People treat each other badly when they don't recognize the myriad ways in which we are interconnected.  
• Connection can make or break a child's self-perception.
• Ecology can apply to a classroom, family, community, workplace, etc and when we look at each of these environments through the lens of ecology, we can modify and adapt the environment and events to improve the efficiency, effectiveness, and outcomes of that environment.  
• Relationships are based on connection, and the flow of energy can leave both or either party enriched or drained.  Being able to recognize interconnectedness leads to empathy which leads to healthier, more nourishing relationships.  When that ability is lacking, and empathy doesn't exist in earnest, the relationship can be draining. 
• Business relationships are based on the flow and conservation of energy- the basic Give and Take.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  For every service, there is a payment.  For every act there is reciprocation.  When the flow of energy is interrupted, the system no longer works.  Members don't get what they need, so they seek what they need elsewhere.  
• One's perception of their own worth is at the heart of their reality.  If you value yourself and demand that others value you as well, you will be valued even more.  If you don't value yourself, you will continue to be treated as 'less than'.  

Here's what I'm going to do differently:

I'm adopting this mantra:  YOU MATTER TO ME.  

I will hear myself saying this in the mirror, to my daughter, to my family, my friends, my colleagues, my students, my clients and my customers.  I don't need to give them a bracelet, or pin a ribbon to their shirt.  My words will be sufficient, and my actions even more powerful.  

Outlook on Love

What I have and what I hope to have aren't perfectly aligned yet, but I think if I keep proceeding on the current course, I'll get what I want. Here's what I have: a number of sexy men who are kind, respectful, who like to play with me. There are even a few who are seriously kinky. I can have a date just about any time I choose to. This is a good place to be!! What I'm missing is having a primary love- someone with whom I share a deeper connection through mundane life experiences as well as erotic. I certainly don't expect anyone I meet to be auditioning for that role, and I'm perfectly happy to make friends with or without benefits. I know that where there is a connection rooted in mutual interest, both parties will organically make time for the other and that primary love I crave might develop.

This is what I am supposed to be doing- spending time with people who matter.

Love Sex Beauty Serenity

I find myself at home alone on this gorgeous fall weekend in between some life rocking changes. Yet, where anxiety recently filled me, I now feel serene. Where the frenetic pace of the work week frazzled me just yesterday, I now feel slow and calm. Natural light pours into my windows, and the gold and green of the trees outside warms my home.

This year has brought one major change after another. Sometimes I am able to face them with grace and wisdom. Sometimes I have a temper tantrum and dig in my heels in an attempt to resist the change. This particular change is one I was grumpy about because of the impact it would have on my newfound dating life. But now that we are a week away from my ex-husband's yearlong deployment, I feel at peace with the impact it will have. It dawned on me as I washed dishes this afternoon that the shift occurred because I have faith.

Now, I have never been a religious person. Church makes me feel oogie inside. But I am deeply connected to my spirit, and to the world around me. I have been fortunate to have had some bad experiences, and lots of good experiences, and in the end every time, things turn out ok. I believe that I am, and will continue to be OK. That doesn't happen magically, however. Steps are taken and things are put in place that facilitate everything working out.

I know that the upcoming year of solo parenting is going to be good for my daughter and me, as a team and as individuals. Lots of supports are in place. KB has her community and her activities- second grade, after school programs, Brownies, her therapist, friends, and family. I have my work- Parker, Art of Healing, and now Mary Kay. I have my friends at work, at the office and in my sales group. I have a number of play partners with whom I love spending time. The connection is deepening with a few in particular. I have faith that I will be able to continue to spend time with the ones that matter most. I have faith that I will not starve from a lack of physical affection. I've reached out to the moms of KB's friends to ask for help with sleep overs when I need time for me. My family will help when they can. I have lined up a babysitter to help with the flow of the week so that I can continue to see clients. Stuff is in place.

Mary Kay is actually something I can do with KB. She loves her new friend who is a bit of a kindred geekling spirit, the daughter of my mentor. Us moms can go to meetings while the girls stay at their house to play and geek out on Dr. Who, Superheroes and Comic Books. I'm proud of the fact that KB will see me working a lot over the next year. She will accompany me on chair massage gigs, be around when I teach workshops, come to work with me when she doesn't have school. She will see a mom who works many different ways, and who enjoys her work. I hope she learns that you just have to take care of business, but that if you play your cards right, it's business that you love. I hope she learns that when there is a lot to do, a little structure goes a long way. I hope she learns that when you mess up, you own it and make it right and that treating people kindly and with compassion is the only way to fly.

Inconvenient Truths

Here is what I know:

I have an open heart and I feel compassion easily.
People matter.
An individual matters, and should be able to be whole.
Honesty is vital in all relationships.
Manipulation is unacceptable.
I have a strong need to nurture.
Sex is my favorite hobby.
I am not ashamed of my sexuality.
I am open-minded and nonjudgmental (mostly).
I support the sexual and romantic desires of the people in my life.
Psychology is fascinating.
Introspection is the key to growth.
Monogamy & commitment, and the role of each in my life take up a lot of my brain cycles.

Ink

I've talked about getting a tattoo since I was a teen. I thought I had a design I wanted in my twenties, but I put it off until I was 35, "If I still want it then, I'll get it." But it wasn't a priority at 35.

But now I want one again, and I've been working on a design. The design is based in the Triple Moon concept. The Triple Moon is a full moon flanked by a quarter moon on the left and right. It represents Maiden-Mother-Crone. For me, it will represent my daughter, myself, and my mother. At the center will be a Flower of Aphrodite~ representing love, beauty, sex. I want something that signifies compassion as well, but I haven't figured that out. Each quarter moon will be formed by the name "Kathleen" for my mother and my daughter. It will be in a swirly font. The whole thing will be done in colors that are soft and feminine- I think pink, purple, blue. I don't want any black outlines.

Placement is the big question. I have always wanted one on the back of my neck, but at the moment, I'm leaning toward the back of my heart chakra because of what this represents. At the heart of me is my love for myself, my daughter and my mother.

If this one goes well... maybe 2 more... back of neck and sacrum.

In all fairness

Deep conversations of late, delving into the path that was our relationship. Now that he can explain it, I can see my role in our demise. I can't break it down in detail here, but I acknowledge that I disappointed him, too. Our paths diverged long before the comet blew us out of orbit.

I hope we keep communicating, trying to make sense of who we were, and who we have become. I would have happily gone on blaming him for the failed relationship, but I am grateful for the opportunity to create a balanced perspective and own my shit.

Caught by Surprise

Today, my husband and I appeared in court to terminate our marriage. Considering we have been effectively separated for 3 years, it surprised me that I felt anything other than relief or even glee. But I didn't feel either of those things. I didn't have words for it at first... it was just *a something*.

TC hung out with me in front of the courthouse for a little while, checking to see if I was ok. He was wise, caring, and compassionate. (Divorce already looks good on him, or perhaps his it's his fiancee's influence.) He had some criteria by which we should measure ourselves from here.

Is the girl taken care of?
Are things better than when we were together?
Are we doing this better than our parents did?

I went to my car and cried. Waves of the sense of having failed, sadness, regret- not for me or TC but for the pain this has caused for KB, hope, missing my mom, gratitude for what remains of my relationship with TC, general softness and feeling raw.

My friends who have been through this say it's normal to have mixed feelings when there's a change in reality. Makes sense, and I'm trying to be gentle with myself. The timing of this is interesting, too, falling between Mom's anniversary and Mother's Day. I guess it's good to pack all the painful days together.

Communication

I felt every moment of this wave of grief. I expressed my anger in appropriate ways to the person who needed to hear it.

I heard back what I wanted to hear. He can't really stand himself right now, and that's enough for me. I don't need to punish him by repeating and rehashing what he did wrong. He knows. On the other hand, I don't have to soothe him. I don't have to fix him. I don't even have to watch him fix himself.

And with that I am free. My work here is done, and I am able to turn my attention inward and work on being Julie, mom, teacher, coach, massage therapist and friend.

"There it is."

Throughout this process, I have engaged in mental & emotional calisthenics to look past and accept what happened, and to forgive him for it. That's who I am. It's what I do. It's what I have always done. Stuff happens, and if you can't change it, might as well adapt and move forward.

But...

I have learned there is a limit to what I can accept. Forgiveness, in this case, is not an option.

I am astounded and devastated by his capacity to lie. How could he sustain for so many months the mental processes he must have gone through to rationalize his behavior? Fuck him for manipulating me so that I feel compassion for him. And her. And her fucking children. How fucked up is that??? I should care about the people who are shitting on my life???

I want to hear him say something, anything, that makes it clear that he understands the depth of the damage and pain he caused me, but what could he possibly say? What could possibly be truthful and real enough? How could I trust anything that comes out of his mouth anyway? His betrayal ruined everything. I don't want to be friends with someone who would treat someone they love this way. There is nothing of this relationship that is worth preserving. It is broken beyond repair.

And "There it is," as my dear friend said the other day. My anger. What's new is that I'm allowing it. I'm feeling it AND I'm expressing it- even to him. My power is firmly seated in my core. It's protecting me. I'm finally allowing it to. You know what? It feels good! Sure, I'm sad to have lost what was good about this relationship, what is good in him; but that is trumped by the joy I feel when I am good to myself. Hello, self-respect. It's nice to meet you.

The Catalyst

I didn't come to this place on my own. I was too afraid to. I was content in my inertia, enjoying my days, my home, the company I keep. Something had to happen to push me out of my orbit. I didn't think it was the right time. Honestly, I didn't think there would ever be a right time, but once my trajectory was irreparably altered, I had a choice to make.

I could marinate in my fear, or I could kiss my fear on the forehead, whisper It's going to be ok, and rise to the challenge.

Challenge accepted.

What made me ready to take it on now? Support. Confidence. Faith.
I am truly blessed to have the support of the most kind, amazing, loving, nurturing, reassuring village. The voices of whom keep me focused on serving myself well. When I see myself through their eyes, I find my confidence. They love me because I am worthy of their love. I have learned to believe in myself because they believe in me. They have taught me that unconditional love is not just for parents and children. I am worthy, and I deserve my own love. I have also learned over the span of my life that even in the face of tragedy, everything turns out okay. I believe that I am ok, even if I am hurting right now. I have faith that I will be stronger, more resilient, and more flexible for having endured life's difficulties. I have faith that I will be dynamic, radiant and full of love.

Without the Catalyst, my life would have been fine- perhaps inert, but fine. But with the Catalyst, my life is going to be incredible. The Catalyst has taught me to take stock of my resources, to evaluate my needs and desires, to ask for what I want, to experience my life with authenticity, to radiate compassion- outward and inward. The Catalyst has shaken me out of complacency, taken me out of my comfort zone, and pushed me into an expansion of cosmic proportions.

A Supernova of the Spirit.

And for that I am eternally grateful.

The Volcano Within

For most of my adult life, I've felt it- the low rumble of discontent. I was doing the things I needed to do, even the things I wanted to do. I went to graduate school so that I could create the career I wanted. I went to massage school so I could really create the career I really wanted. I found love. I lost love. I found love, again. I lost love, again. There were great things happening around me, to me, in me; yet that discontent still churned deep beneath the surface.

At times, there would be moments of tranquility when the distant rumbles became the only noise my ears could perceive. Something is missing. You are not complete. Keep searching. Fill the void. I became skilled at hearing the noise, acknowledging the message, and squashing it back down under the earth. Not yet. I'm not ready.

Last year, discontent broke the crust. It bubbled and boiled and pushed its way through- burying my intuition and my self-love with doubt and disdain for my body. The battle began. With every expansion of discontent, my psyche contracted and pushed back in feeble attempts to stifle and ignore this colossal message. You are not happy. You deserve more than this. You are the answer.

Surrounding myself with love, the healing power of women united toward a common purpose, blossoming opportunities, and juicy possibilities gave me strength. I began to recognize that this bubbling mass inside me was not my enemy. When I took a few tentative steps, it lit up the path before me. When I took a giant leap, it bathed me in light and warmth. When I dove in head first, it splashed my entire world with light, and color, and warmth, and love, and fed my faith so that I knew I could do it again and again.

What started as discontent and destruction has transformed my sense of self. I can see my gifts. I can see where there is work to be done, and for the first time, fear is not stopping me from doing the work.