"There it is."

Throughout this process, I have engaged in mental & emotional calisthenics to look past and accept what happened, and to forgive him for it. That's who I am. It's what I do. It's what I have always done. Stuff happens, and if you can't change it, might as well adapt and move forward.

But...

I have learned there is a limit to what I can accept. Forgiveness, in this case, is not an option.

I am astounded and devastated by his capacity to lie. How could he sustain for so many months the mental processes he must have gone through to rationalize his behavior? Fuck him for manipulating me so that I feel compassion for him. And her. And her fucking children. How fucked up is that??? I should care about the people who are shitting on my life???

I want to hear him say something, anything, that makes it clear that he understands the depth of the damage and pain he caused me, but what could he possibly say? What could possibly be truthful and real enough? How could I trust anything that comes out of his mouth anyway? His betrayal ruined everything. I don't want to be friends with someone who would treat someone they love this way. There is nothing of this relationship that is worth preserving. It is broken beyond repair.

And "There it is," as my dear friend said the other day. My anger. What's new is that I'm allowing it. I'm feeling it AND I'm expressing it- even to him. My power is firmly seated in my core. It's protecting me. I'm finally allowing it to. You know what? It feels good! Sure, I'm sad to have lost what was good about this relationship, what is good in him; but that is trumped by the joy I feel when I am good to myself. Hello, self-respect. It's nice to meet you.