I felt every moment of this wave of grief. I expressed my anger in appropriate ways to the person who needed to hear it.
I heard back what I wanted to hear. He can't really stand himself right now, and that's enough for me. I don't need to punish him by repeating and rehashing what he did wrong. He knows. On the other hand, I don't have to soothe him. I don't have to fix him. I don't even have to watch him fix himself.
And with that I am free. My work here is done, and I am able to turn my attention inward and work on being Julie, mom, teacher, coach, massage therapist and friend.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Thursday, April 23, 2015
"There it is."
Throughout this process, I have engaged in mental & emotional calisthenics to look past and accept what happened, and to forgive him for it. That's who I am. It's what I do. It's what I have always done. Stuff happens, and if you can't change it, might as well adapt and move forward.
But...
I have learned there is a limit to what I can accept. Forgiveness, in this case, is not an option.
I am astounded and devastated by his capacity to lie. How could he sustain for so many months the mental processes he must have gone through to rationalize his behavior? Fuck him for manipulating me so that I feel compassion for him. And her. And her fucking children. How fucked up is that??? I should care about the people who are shitting on my life???
I want to hear him say something, anything, that makes it clear that he understands the depth of the damage and pain he caused me, but what could he possibly say? What could possibly be truthful and real enough? How could I trust anything that comes out of his mouth anyway? His betrayal ruined everything. I don't want to be friends with someone who would treat someone they love this way. There is nothing of this relationship that is worth preserving. It is broken beyond repair.
And "There it is," as my dear friend said the other day. My anger. What's new is that I'm allowing it. I'm feeling it AND I'm expressing it- even to him. My power is firmly seated in my core. It's protecting me. I'm finally allowing it to. You know what? It feels good! Sure, I'm sad to have lost what was good about this relationship, what is good in him; but that is trumped by the joy I feel when I am good to myself. Hello, self-respect. It's nice to meet you.
But...
I have learned there is a limit to what I can accept. Forgiveness, in this case, is not an option.
I am astounded and devastated by his capacity to lie. How could he sustain for so many months the mental processes he must have gone through to rationalize his behavior? Fuck him for manipulating me so that I feel compassion for him. And her. And her fucking children. How fucked up is that??? I should care about the people who are shitting on my life???
I want to hear him say something, anything, that makes it clear that he understands the depth of the damage and pain he caused me, but what could he possibly say? What could possibly be truthful and real enough? How could I trust anything that comes out of his mouth anyway? His betrayal ruined everything. I don't want to be friends with someone who would treat someone they love this way. There is nothing of this relationship that is worth preserving. It is broken beyond repair.
And "There it is," as my dear friend said the other day. My anger. What's new is that I'm allowing it. I'm feeling it AND I'm expressing it- even to him. My power is firmly seated in my core. It's protecting me. I'm finally allowing it to. You know what? It feels good! Sure, I'm sad to have lost what was good about this relationship, what is good in him; but that is trumped by the joy I feel when I am good to myself. Hello, self-respect. It's nice to meet you.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)