I didn't come to this place on my own. I was too afraid to. I was content in my inertia, enjoying my days, my home, the company I keep. Something had to happen to push me out of my orbit. I didn't think it was the right time. Honestly, I didn't think there would ever be a right time, but once my trajectory was irreparably altered, I had a choice to make.
I could marinate in my fear, or I could kiss my fear on the forehead, whisper It's going to be ok, and rise to the challenge.
Challenge accepted.
What made me ready to take it on now? Support. Confidence. Faith.
I am truly blessed to have the support of the most kind, amazing, loving, nurturing, reassuring village. The voices of whom keep me focused on serving myself well. When I see myself through their eyes, I find my confidence. They love me because I am worthy of their love. I have learned to believe in myself because they believe in me. They have taught me that unconditional love is not just for parents and children. I am worthy, and I deserve my own love. I have also learned over the span of my life that even in the face of tragedy, everything turns out okay. I believe that I am ok, even if I am hurting right now. I have faith that I will be stronger, more resilient, and more flexible for having endured life's difficulties. I have faith that I will be dynamic, radiant and full of love.
Without the Catalyst, my life would have been fine- perhaps inert, but fine. But with the Catalyst, my life is going to be incredible. The Catalyst has taught me to take stock of my resources, to evaluate my needs and desires, to ask for what I want, to experience my life with authenticity, to radiate compassion- outward and inward. The Catalyst has shaken me out of complacency, taken me out of my comfort zone, and pushed me into an expansion of cosmic proportions.
A Supernova of the Spirit.
And for that I am eternally grateful.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Friday, March 6, 2015
The Volcano Within
For most of my adult life, I've felt it- the low rumble of discontent. I was doing the things I needed to do, even the things I wanted to do. I went to graduate school so that I could create the career I wanted. I went to massage school so I could really create the career I really wanted. I found love. I lost love. I found love, again. I lost love, again. There were great things happening around me, to me, in me; yet that discontent still churned deep beneath the surface.
At times, there would be moments of tranquility when the distant rumbles became the only noise my ears could perceive. Something is missing. You are not complete. Keep searching. Fill the void. I became skilled at hearing the noise, acknowledging the message, and squashing it back down under the earth. Not yet. I'm not ready.
Last year, discontent broke the crust. It bubbled and boiled and pushed its way through- burying my intuition and my self-love with doubt and disdain for my body. The battle began. With every expansion of discontent, my psyche contracted and pushed back in feeble attempts to stifle and ignore this colossal message. You are not happy. You deserve more than this. You are the answer.
Surrounding myself with love, the healing power of women united toward a common purpose, blossoming opportunities, and juicy possibilities gave me strength. I began to recognize that this bubbling mass inside me was not my enemy. When I took a few tentative steps, it lit up the path before me. When I took a giant leap, it bathed me in light and warmth. When I dove in head first, it splashed my entire world with light, and color, and warmth, and love, and fed my faith so that I knew I could do it again and again.
What started as discontent and destruction has transformed my sense of self. I can see my gifts. I can see where there is work to be done, and for the first time, fear is not stopping me from doing the work.
At times, there would be moments of tranquility when the distant rumbles became the only noise my ears could perceive. Something is missing. You are not complete. Keep searching. Fill the void. I became skilled at hearing the noise, acknowledging the message, and squashing it back down under the earth. Not yet. I'm not ready.
Last year, discontent broke the crust. It bubbled and boiled and pushed its way through- burying my intuition and my self-love with doubt and disdain for my body. The battle began. With every expansion of discontent, my psyche contracted and pushed back in feeble attempts to stifle and ignore this colossal message. You are not happy. You deserve more than this. You are the answer.
Surrounding myself with love, the healing power of women united toward a common purpose, blossoming opportunities, and juicy possibilities gave me strength. I began to recognize that this bubbling mass inside me was not my enemy. When I took a few tentative steps, it lit up the path before me. When I took a giant leap, it bathed me in light and warmth. When I dove in head first, it splashed my entire world with light, and color, and warmth, and love, and fed my faith so that I knew I could do it again and again.
What started as discontent and destruction has transformed my sense of self. I can see my gifts. I can see where there is work to be done, and for the first time, fear is not stopping me from doing the work.
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