I find myself at home alone on this gorgeous fall weekend in between some life rocking changes. Yet, where anxiety recently filled me, I now feel serene. Where the frenetic pace of the work week frazzled me just yesterday, I now feel slow and calm. Natural light pours into my windows, and the gold and green of the trees outside warms my home.
This year has brought one major change after another. Sometimes I am able to face them with grace and wisdom. Sometimes I have a temper tantrum and dig in my heels in an attempt to resist the change. This particular change is one I was grumpy about because of the impact it would have on my newfound dating life. But now that we are a week away from my ex-husband's yearlong deployment, I feel at peace with the impact it will have. It dawned on me as I washed dishes this afternoon that the shift occurred because I have faith.
Now, I have never been a religious person. Church makes me feel oogie inside. But I am deeply connected to my spirit, and to the world around me. I have been fortunate to have had some bad experiences, and lots of good experiences, and in the end every time, things turn out ok. I believe that I am, and will continue to be OK. That doesn't happen magically, however. Steps are taken and things are put in place that facilitate everything working out.
I know that the upcoming year of solo parenting is going to be good for my daughter and me, as a team and as individuals. Lots of supports are in place. KB has her community and her activities- second grade, after school programs, Brownies, her therapist, friends, and family. I have my work- Parker, Art of Healing, and now Mary Kay. I have my friends at work, at the office and in my sales group. I have a number of play partners with whom I love spending time. The connection is deepening with a few in particular. I have faith that I will be able to continue to spend time with the ones that matter most. I have faith that I will not starve from a lack of physical affection. I've reached out to the moms of KB's friends to ask for help with sleep overs when I need time for me. My family will help when they can. I have lined up a babysitter to help with the flow of the week so that I can continue to see clients. Stuff is in place.
Mary Kay is actually something I can do with KB. She loves her new friend who is a bit of a kindred geekling spirit, the daughter of my mentor. Us moms can go to meetings while the girls stay at their house to play and geek out on Dr. Who, Superheroes and Comic Books. I'm proud of the fact that KB will see me working a lot over the next year. She will accompany me on chair massage gigs, be around when I teach workshops, come to work with me when she doesn't have school. She will see a mom who works many different ways, and who enjoys her work. I hope she learns that you just have to take care of business, but that if you play your cards right, it's business that you love. I hope she learns that when there is a lot to do, a little structure goes a long way. I hope she learns that when you mess up, you own it and make it right and that treating people kindly and with compassion is the only way to fly.
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