Today, my husband and I appeared in court to terminate our marriage. Considering we have been effectively separated for 3 years, it surprised me that I felt anything other than relief or even glee. But I didn't feel either of those things. I didn't have words for it at first... it was just *a something*.
TC hung out with me in front of the courthouse for a little while, checking to see if I was ok. He was wise, caring, and compassionate. (Divorce already looks good on him, or perhaps his it's his fiancee's influence.) He had some criteria by which we should measure ourselves from here.
Is the girl taken care of?
Are things better than when we were together?
Are we doing this better than our parents did?
I went to my car and cried. Waves of the sense of having failed, sadness, regret- not for me or TC but for the pain this has caused for KB, hope, missing my mom, gratitude for what remains of my relationship with TC, general softness and feeling raw.
My friends who have been through this say it's normal to have mixed feelings when there's a change in reality. Makes sense, and I'm trying to be gentle with myself. The timing of this is interesting, too, falling between Mom's anniversary and Mother's Day. I guess it's good to pack all the painful days together.
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