The Volcano Within

For most of my adult life, I've felt it- the low rumble of discontent. I was doing the things I needed to do, even the things I wanted to do. I went to graduate school so that I could create the career I wanted. I went to massage school so I could really create the career I really wanted. I found love. I lost love. I found love, again. I lost love, again. There were great things happening around me, to me, in me; yet that discontent still churned deep beneath the surface.

At times, there would be moments of tranquility when the distant rumbles became the only noise my ears could perceive. Something is missing. You are not complete. Keep searching. Fill the void. I became skilled at hearing the noise, acknowledging the message, and squashing it back down under the earth. Not yet. I'm not ready.

Last year, discontent broke the crust. It bubbled and boiled and pushed its way through- burying my intuition and my self-love with doubt and disdain for my body. The battle began. With every expansion of discontent, my psyche contracted and pushed back in feeble attempts to stifle and ignore this colossal message. You are not happy. You deserve more than this. You are the answer.

Surrounding myself with love, the healing power of women united toward a common purpose, blossoming opportunities, and juicy possibilities gave me strength. I began to recognize that this bubbling mass inside me was not my enemy. When I took a few tentative steps, it lit up the path before me. When I took a giant leap, it bathed me in light and warmth. When I dove in head first, it splashed my entire world with light, and color, and warmth, and love, and fed my faith so that I knew I could do it again and again.

What started as discontent and destruction has transformed my sense of self. I can see my gifts. I can see where there is work to be done, and for the first time, fear is not stopping me from doing the work.